Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Day 4 - 2/16/2013

I woke up in majestic Poughkeepsie and enjoyed the continental breakfast at the hotel, then wandered back to the train station. My iPhone was at 5% power, so I tried to navigate the .6 miles to the station without consulting it too much. Easier said than done...man I hate to say this, but if zombies take out the 3G towers during the apocalypse, you do not want me on your team. I'll basically be useless. Except for my watercolor skillz of course.

I managed to find the station before my iPhone took leave of the world though, and hopped the next train back to NYC. It's funny how quickly those last few power percentage points go...like little minute but incredibly important grains of sand slipping way too quickly through an hourglass, whilst I freak out and realize I have no survival skills or mindless way to entertain myself. Remember HOURGLASSES?! I want to play Boggle now...Anyway, I got home, took a shower, and then packed a bag for my next train ride to Poughkeepsie's rival in majesty - Trenton, NJ. My friend Travis and his wife were throwing a party out that way for a good buddy who is leaving for Marine boot camp next week, and as you may know, I love a party. Travis picked me up in Trenton and we made the short jaunt to their place in Yardley, PA. His wife, B, was making a crazy amount of delicious food so I stationed myself in the kitchen and without any amount of arm-twisting agreed to become her taste tester.

This was the first party I have been to since Lent began, and contemplating the fact that I gave up alcohol led me to do some investigating on the train ride there with my freshly charged technology. According to a posting in the Catholicism section on about.com, since Sundays are IN Lent but not OF it, you can technically indulge in what you gave up on that day. BINGO! I love a good technicality. Like last year I discovered that since St. Patrick's Day is a feast day, Lenten restrictions are lifted during that as well. Rather than missing the whole objective of Lent, I think what I'm really doing is pointing out that it is a time of celebration as well as reflection. I think we need a balance of both to enjoy either, and to write blawgs that are more interesting.

So at midnight I started drinking PBR. Before then I was drinking water or soda out of a red keg cup, so nobody was really the wiser. I have always thought that alcohol consumption culture is somewhat mystifying...if you tell someone you are not drinking they often become suspicious of you, but get a cup and act like it's full of booze and they will never care. I asked a friend if she had any insight on the phenomena and she said that when people say they aren't drinking while she in fact is, there's an elevated feeling of accountability. Like the non-drinker that usually drinks is hyper-aware of what she is saying/doing instead of also drunk. I get that, I've felt that way on some level in those situations and often tried to understand why. I have another friend that is in AA, so in talking to him about drinking I have come to realize that is basically a universally acceptable reason not to drink, and he is above this scrutiny. I think it's interesting that if I cited a reason that is viewed as legit like being in AA, a history of alcoholism in my family, being on antibiotics is also a good one, etc. that it's fine. Yet if I identify as a non-alcoholic simply making the choice not to drink, that has social implications. Then again, maybe it's my personality + the crowd I typically hang out with. They are after all, used to me loving beer with intense passion.

So I drank PBR, ate awesome food (twisting a piece of bacon around a bread stick and then baking that into a delicious savory candy cane is a great idea btw), and mingled with the guests. Towards the end of the night/morning (by then it was around 3AM) I found myself sitting with another party enthusiast and watching wrestling on TV. Well, really, I was saying "what the hell is going on" and preventing him from peacefully watching wrestling on TV. He was articulate, attractive, and humored me when I demonstrated my wrestling knowledge by saying that when I was younger I liked that "snap into a Slim Jim guy." Travis and B eventually joined us - we were the last 4 party soldiers still standing...or rather sitting. I had been curled up on a loveseat adjacent to the couch that articulate attractive humorous guy (AAHG) was on, but to make room for them I moved over and sat next to him. Although it was a full-sized couch, we were sitting right next to each other and kept brushing up against the other's arms, legs etc. while gesturing in conversation.

This continued while we all talked about movies, the fight that happened that night (I said it was a party), and how awesome glamour shots are. When Travis and B said they were heading upstairs to go to sleep, I lingered on the couch for a beat instead of heading to my bed in the guest bedroom. I am pretty sure AAHG and I could have elevated it to a make-out party, and I really wanted to. Sometimes the whole Pride and Prejudice thing of just barely touching can be so f**king hot. Instead, I caved to something I remembered that I read in the Shambhala book referenced in Day 2, and I decided to call it a night. I know that sounds incredibly lame, kinda like the not drinking issue, why would you trust someone that doesn't want to make out? But go with it...even though at that moment I wanted to kiss/touch/who-knows-how-far-it-would-have-gone him, while we were sitting there I was also thinking about later. Would I regret it? Would he? I don't even like wrestling, how will we raise our children when we are fighting about that? So that was happening in my head, and then I also thought about my interpretation of a Buddhist teaching (this juggling act in itself is impressive because I was full-throttle "celebrating" and about 5 PBRs deep). I know there's really no "later," only consciousness stretching out infinitely in every direction, but the lesson I remembered says I am always connected to all people in all places and all times. So even if I went upstairs without having a make-out party, we would still be connected...and maybe that was enough for that night. On this road to self discovery I'm currently on I may also get to a point that would have allowed me to do both feel connected and not fear "later," but it felt right to be looking at the situation in that way and deciding to keep it in my pants. There's also a version of this story that could have played out with me misinterpreting our closeness and ultimately getting shut down, had that happened I would have been embarassed. Thinking about it now, I realize the decision could also have been part "you are what you love, not what loves you" approach, which makes me want to watch "Adaptation" and I will make a point to do that on a Celebration Sunday to revisit that idea.

BONUS: After I went to bed, I was able to stop wondering what would happen if we eventually fell in love, then out of love, then got into an epic custody battle over the dog we had adopted together and decided to name Macho Man.

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