Day 12

Meet Larry, the spidey I found in my bathroom this morning and have been verbally updating on my status throughout the day. Although Larry appears to be a good listener, I haven't detected much of a sense of humor.

Day 11

I've been listening to more music lately, you know, to fill the void. I am completely in love with Pandora, and luckily they have an app for that. You probably know what Pandora is, but if you don't, it's free radio based on the Music Genome Project. A bunch of music analysts in their Oakland office have so far mapped around 800,000 songs, defining them by the set of unique attributes each song contains. I think it's effing fascinating. You pick a song or artist that has been mapped, and by matching attributes with other songs a "station" is created that streams random other songs/artists you more than likely, will like. For example, Salt-n-Pepa was streamed on my Missy Elliott station, and predictably I enjoyed it. To get a feeling for why this particular track spoke to my soul, I checked the song attributes:


You're G-D right I dig all those things! I'm totes into party rhymes with a tight kick sound. I could not have explained that as well in my own words, if I said why I liked Push It, it would probably come out more like "I can definitely drop it like it's hot to this tasty jam, it reminds me of wild'n out at the skating rink back in the day!"

Thank you Pandora and lack of FB/Satan, for exposing me to kickin' tunes and helping me refine my own understanding of my awesome taste.

Day 10

The only thing, so far, that has made me feel more discombobulated than giving up FB is my appointment at the eye doctor. I haven't had one of those since 2006. By some awesome fluke, the prescription for my contact lens (just one, I am a cyclops due to some crazy staph infection I got as a newborn) never expired, so I just didn't bother to go back. I've been Squinty McHeadache lately though, so I broke the streak and went in to get my eyeballs assessed. I'm now a -3.0 in my left eye, still pretty much useless in the right, and I remembered why I hate going to the eye doctor. Being partially blind is fun already, just ask my friend Jim, who likes to sneak up on my literal blind-side and scare the bejesus out of me with alligator hand. Dramatic reenactment:


It's a neat game and I almost peed my pants in the shampoo isle of Target last time we played it.

Anyway, to add to the somewhat-blind excitement that is every day life, during the course of the exam I had to take out my contact lens, and then they dilated both my eyes. I was bumping into things during this part of the visit, and I almost cried. Why? Because while I was waiting for the dilating drops to take effect I got scared that on the off-chance Chelsea Eye caught fire, assuming I'd be able to find the door and evacuate, I'd probably just run straight into traffic. This didn't happen. But it could have.

Eventually I was able to put my contact back in and returned to work from the doctor's office without suffering death by yellow cab. The only notable thing that happened was that when I went to grab lunch at Subway, my sammy artist asked if I was tripping balls because I came in all crazy-eyed. Actual pupil:


After a few hours my pupils went back to normal, I have a stronger 'script now, and I'm looking forward to not squinting when I go to the theater tonight to see The Miracle Worker...a show about Helen Keller. Did you feel that? The irony just got thick, real quick.

Tying it all together: much like my eye doctor experience, the quality of my life may improve by giving up FB, but that doesn't make the act of doing it not suck.

Day 9

A cool thing that has stemmed from this: I am able to have normal conversations with people about what they have been up to lately. I haven't seen Tom's pictures of the late night taco truck visit, or heard the awesome news that Natalie won that contest for the 2-person snuggie, or even found out that Dave and his girlfriend broke up. I get to be told in real-time and respond with natural laughter/delight/sympathy, rather than have a watered down reaction to the news because I've already learned and processed the info beforehand. It's forcing me to communicate in a more personal way, and I like that. I know less about what's going on with everyone, but having more organic conversations is kickass. Plus I like to tell stories, so I get multiple opportunities to talk everyone's ears off about the time I was walking home drunk on trash night and scooped this gem:

Day 8

So to focus more on making living life in real-time/reality better, I've been caring less about other people. That may not sound very J.C.-like, but here's the thing: I'm a compulsive person by nature, so I was chillin' with FB/Satan sometimes up to 20-30 times a day. Now lots of those visits lasted under a minute, but seriously, that's crazy. I wasn't doing it because everyone is all that interesting, I honestly don't much stock in who's feeling grumpy or what they had for lunch, but because I'm a compulsive and voracious consumer of the mundane. Another example is that I like to listen to conversations, even if they don't matter to or include me. Mostly this makes me better at knowing gossip and trivia, but it's also a huge time-suck because I can't bare to miss a single stupid thing. It's fodder for conversation and makes me feel tuned into social phenoms, and I can't seem to help myself.

I'm still rockin' the rabbit ears on my TV rather than cable, so almost all my pop culture references are gleaned from the interweb. FB and Twitter are always the first things I check when I overhear news I want to verify, like Michael Jackson's death or who won the curling match. Rarely does the knowledge make my life any better though. It just satisfies my need to know every single little thing out there, and is probably erasing more useful information in my brain, like the ability to do long division or remember the passwords to the 53 various accounts for which I have an online login. Okay, so I guess I don't care less...because I never really cared in the first place. I just wanted to know what the hell everyone else was doing, thus the checking in 20-30 times a day.

I think J.C. would be down with me striving towards some healthier behavior. Think of all the kittens I could save in the time it was taking me to catch up on what color everyone's bra is.

Day 7

I’m not a particularly religious person, I’ve had to look up lots of the J.C. metaphors in Wikipedia, I mean the Bible. I did go to Catholic school, but that was more a reflection on the sorry state of the public school system in Florida than my parents’ desire for me to fear God. When I do go to services, it’s with them, and they are Lutherans. Those are groovy Christians who prefer potluck suppers to fire & brimstone and they let gays serve in the clergy. I do believe in those things.

I’d describe myself as spiritual, which is the box I check in online dating profiles. (Yes, yes I'm single. Now if only I could find 2 friends who are also single and as awesome at dancing as me, then we could make a video about it by ripping off Bob Fosse.) I’m obviously aware of the concept of Lent though, and although I’m doing this more as a personal experiment than as an act of obedience, I think J.C. still digs it. Any guy who embraces potlucks and gays is bound to understand me. I wonder if he’s on match.com…

Day 6

In case you were wondering:

I celebrated pretty hard on Fat Tuesday and impulsively/drunkenly made this decision to wander in the social desert. I think the breaking point was when I caught myself, a mess of tears and beads on the floor of my apartment, struggling to upload a photo I took of a Hurricane that night. Trying to impress my friends with how much fun I am and am having, was so far from the sloppy truth, I decided on the spot that I need to give up something and try to focus on reality. If that thing had been booze instead of FB, this blog wouldn't have lasted longer than Day 1. I think I made the right decision for my quest.

Oh yeah, and I did this because it’s Lent.

Day 4

Did laundry today and had no idea what to do with myself while I was sitting there, waiting to put clothes in the dryer. I started reading the NY Times, stalking the world instead of stalking my friends. I learned about Family Guy vs. Sarah Palin re: Down Syndrome (shut it, b*tch), the future of DC Comics/Entertainment (yay for Green Lantern!), and pythons in FL (I lived there 22 years and never saw a "python army" but next time I go home I'm totes looking for one because that sounds hot).

I decided to log out of the iPhone FB app, because momentary or "accidental" tap there would undo me, but I didn’t delete the app altogether. I still like to look at it. I find comfort in the little warm blue square with soft edges and that reassuring “f” that cheekily bleeds off the bottom of the button. That world full of friends and Betty White trends isn’t gone forever, it’s just off limits for awhile. I feel so out of it though. That Betty White SNL thing is probably soooo old news, and I wonder did that pickle ever get enough fans to beat Nickleback? This better be worth the stress.

At least I learned some newsworthy things at the landromat, and I'm going to be a blast at the next party I get invited to, assuming (as I do) that people love to talk about comics and pythons.

Day 3 again

This blows. It's weird not knowing what everyone is doing. I thought at first it was liberating to not obsessively be checking FB, but instead I feel like I'm being left out. I want to just sneak on there and see what everyone is thinking, doing, and uploading. I guess I could text or (gasp!) call my friends. But I've tried that.

My now defunct New Year's resolution was to start using my phone as a phone more often, rather than just using it to FB, text and as GPS. I thought it would save time and be more personal than email/text. Here's how that went:

me to our intern: I'm bringing back phone calls, it's gonna be awesome! Watch.

intern: Ok, I'm watching.

me: (tap James' phone number, hold iPhone up to ear in anticipation, wink at intern)

James: (picks up, he's muffled, confused) Oh hey, um, hi, whats up?

me: Jamesy! Where do you want to meet tonight? How 'bout on the corner, ya know, like we're hookers.

James: Um, huh? What?

me: Like we're hookers! That work the corner! Never mind. I just meant the corner we always meet on, is that were you'll be?

James: Ok, yeah, sure....wait, what?

me: (head in hands) 6:30. The corner. Of 8th. And 37th. Be there. (click/tap/hang up)

me again: I should have just texted him.

intern: No, that was awesome, you're off to a great start.

I found out later my call had woken James up from a catnap at his desk and he was still 1/2 asleep when he picked up, thus the confusion. I decided to give up phone calls anyway, too much uncertainty.

Maybe I should go buy some stamps.

Day 3

This is torture!

Day 2 some more

Yah...not so much. Hug FAIL. But I did get some french fries.

Day 2 again

My fingers always twitch now when I open a new browser window. Instinctively my left index finger touches the “f” key for a moment, and flashing before my eyes are tiny red boxes with white numbers in them, all telling me PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU, THEY REALLY REALLY DO!

The serpent whispers sweet nothings in my ear “x commented on your status, x likes your activity, x tagged you in a photo, x thinks you are kickass & wants to eff you” and all I need to do to feel these virtual embraces is type in one little password. No! Staying strong, get thee gone FB/Satan! I’ll go get a real hug.

Please excuse me while I seduce a co-worker. I'll just do a virtual status update, I'm going to head into our office kitchen and shout "I'm awesome, please love me!" I'll let you know how it goes.

Day 2

Damn it, damn it, damn it! The tools of FB/Satan are crafty motherf*ckers! I wasn’t even trying to be bad, I was only clicking on a banner for Southern Comfort to read about its history in relationship to New Orleans AND THE DAMN THING TOOK ME TO FACEBOOK. I just had a mini panic attack and closed that sh*t immediately. Alcohol and curiosity people, this is how resolutions fall apart.

Day 1

So far, quitting Facebook has not been unlike quitting smoking.

I'm twitching and coming up with a multitude of justifications to take a puff of the social nicotine,
just one more time,
nobody will know,
it's only natural to have to slowly wean yourself off it rather than go cold turkey.
I should really pop onto it just for a second to see if anyone commented on the status update I posted about giving FB up for Lent.

I googled it and Easter isn't until April 4th. I don't know if I can do it.

I wonder how many social gatherings I will have missed and what the impact of the experiences I will have cheated my life out of will be. How many deaths of pets, excellent meals, crappy or fantastic days, trips on an airplane, complaints about mass transit, will I miss in the 40 days that Jesus spent in the desert? Now I'm in a social desert, and if I want to do WJD, then I'll have to resist FB/Satan. I can't make bread out of stones, but already I'm being tempted to nourish myself with social toast from my shiny brick of an iPhone.