So to finish up that thought...I'm not sure why I wasn't compelled to document those feeliings more thoroughly even though they were happening. For the most part it probably amounts to being lazy. And/or the fact that I'm addicted to How I Met Your Mother on Netflix because there are 52 episodes still left for me to stream. I've watched 84 (roughly 30 hours) of them so far after running out of Arrested Development episodes mid-January. Yeah...
Whatever the reason, rest assured I survived without FB & booze for the 46 days I set out to (well...45 for booze because of the St. Patrick's Day loophole I found on Wikipedia) and am better for it.
As of now TW is fine and acting the same as always, and as for myself...well, hopefully I update and drink a little less as a result of all this reflection.
Good night, and if you need me tomorrow look no further than the Beer Garden. I'll be the one with my head in a pitcher.
xo
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Day 45 - 2012
Please see previous post if this count seems off.
So the same thing that happened last year happened again this year...I started off strong and then just lost my motivation to update this bloggity regularly. I'm not sure why that is...for awhile I didn't want to be a downer but that passed for the most part and is a normal part of life.
I feel like I have some interesting things to convey about the weird social implications of not drinking or using FB, but I was able to overcome them without much drama.
There were a few times I craved booze because I had a rough day, or because I was at a celebration of some sort, and those instances made me think about why I reach for a drink at those times. I like the idea of being more aware if I'm boozing to have a good time or to dull the overwhelming shards of anxiety that are piercing my gut and brain (yeah, sometimes it feels pretty sharp).
Not being on FB is annoying, but not impossible. If anything it just makes me aware (as mentioned) how easy the platform has made stalking and communicating. It's funny to think that we got along fine without social networking just a few short years ago, and never felt like something was missing. The future is happening pretty fast...the singularity approacheth! (please go watch "Trancendent Man"on Netflix streaming right now, I'm legit obsessed)
So the same thing that happened last year happened again this year...I started off strong and then just lost my motivation to update this bloggity regularly. I'm not sure why that is...for awhile I didn't want to be a downer but that passed for the most part and is a normal part of life.
I feel like I have some interesting things to convey about the weird social implications of not drinking or using FB, but I was able to overcome them without much drama.
There were a few times I craved booze because I had a rough day, or because I was at a celebration of some sort, and those instances made me think about why I reach for a drink at those times. I like the idea of being more aware if I'm boozing to have a good time or to dull the overwhelming shards of anxiety that are piercing my gut and brain (yeah, sometimes it feels pretty sharp).
Not being on FB is annoying, but not impossible. If anything it just makes me aware (as mentioned) how easy the platform has made stalking and communicating. It's funny to think that we got along fine without social networking just a few short years ago, and never felt like something was missing. The future is happening pretty fast...the singularity approacheth! (please go watch "Trancendent Man"on Netflix streaming right now, I'm legit obsessed)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Day 21 - 2012
HOKAY!
Back!
All hopped up on Reese's mini PB & choc eggs and decaf tea!
Had a chill weekend with my parents, we ate lots of good food and saw plenty of high-quality theatre. Hurrah!
Kicked the sinus infection...but now that Spring is sprung we'll be heading into prime allergy season, so I should just make a hip-holster for my Neti Pot and call it a day.
I do feel better though, so there's that.
The bunwah is still acting herself and eating all the grapes + carrots I put in front of her daily, so our paws remain firmly crossed that the tumor is just a bump in the road of life and not a roadblock. Something stupid happened during this process though-- so I left the vet crying a few weeks ago, called a car service to take us home, waited on the corner all a hot mess, and heard a passing car blast Rhianna's "We Found Love" at full volume. This made me cry harder, cuz I found love in a hopeless fuzzy place called TW. Yes, I can be such a f**king teenage version of myself sometimes...sigh.
Now,
sensory stimulation
+ emotion
me being the equivalent of Pavlov's dog (if his dog was a crybaby)
so when I hear that song I get all verklempt. Luckily, between radio, cars going by, and coworkers playing the hottest hits, I only hear that it roughly 17 times a day. My eyes get all misty, then I roll them so hard at myself that the tears go back inside. It's hot.
Long story less long: if the pollen doesn't get me, the pop music will.
So, pardon me, I'm off to fashion a full body SARS-style mask + ear plugs. It too, is hot.
Back!
All hopped up on Reese's mini PB & choc eggs and decaf tea!
Had a chill weekend with my parents, we ate lots of good food and saw plenty of high-quality theatre. Hurrah!
Kicked the sinus infection...but now that Spring is sprung we'll be heading into prime allergy season, so I should just make a hip-holster for my Neti Pot and call it a day.
I do feel better though, so there's that.
The bunwah is still acting herself and eating all the grapes + carrots I put in front of her daily, so our paws remain firmly crossed that the tumor is just a bump in the road of life and not a roadblock. Something stupid happened during this process though-- so I left the vet crying a few weeks ago, called a car service to take us home, waited on the corner all a hot mess, and heard a passing car blast Rhianna's "We Found Love" at full volume. This made me cry harder, cuz I found love in a hopeless fuzzy place called TW. Yes, I can be such a f**king teenage version of myself sometimes...sigh.
Now,
sensory stimulation
+ emotion
me being the equivalent of Pavlov's dog (if his dog was a crybaby)
so when I hear that song I get all verklempt. Luckily, between radio, cars going by, and coworkers playing the hottest hits, I only hear that it roughly 17 times a day. My eyes get all misty, then I roll them so hard at myself that the tears go back inside. It's hot.
Long story less long: if the pollen doesn't get me, the pop music will.
So, pardon me, I'm off to fashion a full body SARS-style mask + ear plugs. It too, is hot.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Day 16 - 2012
I'm crankypants.
I have a sinus infection, they didn't have my size in the high tops I wanted at Foot Locker, and I want a drink.
That's all for now, more later.
I have a sinus infection, they didn't have my size in the high tops I wanted at Foot Locker, and I want a drink.
That's all for now, more later.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Day 14 - 2012
Legit feeling better now, I was forcing it a bit last time...
Only 3 more days of "scary drops" for the bunny, and I found the perfect birthday gift for Rick Barry:
I'm the best daughter. Ever.
Also, along with my March Madness List of Happiness, I can now look forward to a trip to Boulder in April and another trip to New Orleans in June. Traveling really does make me the happiest I've ever been...Last year around this time I was focusing on my celebrations leading up to turning 30, and one of the things that I learned in addition to:
- it's good not to live in squalor (thanks IKEA!)
- my wisdom teeth are over-rated
- Jamaica rules
is that the most effective way to stay in love with New York is to give myself the opportunity to miss it.
During an extended period without escape I become a Mega New York A**hole. Case in point-- FL for Christmas was my last trip, I had to walk through Times Square today to get to a meeting and I unabashedly photo-bombed a tourist's snapshot while mumbling "Ya know what's cool about New York? Me." So around this time I know I need to get off the island soon, or else I'm going to start pushing people onto the subway tracks...or clipping them at increasing levels of aggression as they try to push onto my train car before I've had the chance to get off...or follow an offer of "sorry" by shouting "but you're not!" if the sentiment is not returned when our umbrellas collide on a crowded street (of which there are no other kind)...you get the idea.
So I have to go away. To places where I am given time to reflect and regret the absence of
- the hum of the Triboro bridge out my apartment window
- takeout from Crave until 5 AM
- 24 hour public transportation
- everything literally being in walking distance (if I have the time)
- the stores people in other cities can only visit by using a web browser
- being able to go to literally 100s (if not 1000s) of other bars if I act like a d**k in one of them
There's a certain amount of time it takes to relax into this other lifestyle and get to the "missing" though. In Florida for example, it takes some extreme meditational breathing for me to not want to stab an old lady in front of me at Dunkin' Donuts if she can't decide what she wants. I eventually realize that I'm wearing flip flops, and have absolutely no place important to be, plus I should probably not stab granny since by the looks of her these may be her last 2 donuts anyway.
After I deflate my a**holery enough to enjoy myself it's smooth sailing and 100% restorative. I can't believe my bar tabs are so low, everyone is so f**king polite, and I can turn off my phone without twitching.
Inevitably though...this leads to boredom.
As awesome as cheap beer and nice people are, eventually I want to come back to NY, cuz here I can yell "F**K YOU" at the top of my lungs at any given time without raising a single eyebrow...and then go home and pet my bunny.
Only 3 more days of "scary drops" for the bunny, and I found the perfect birthday gift for Rick Barry:
I'm the best daughter. Ever.
Also, along with my March Madness List of Happiness, I can now look forward to a trip to Boulder in April and another trip to New Orleans in June. Traveling really does make me the happiest I've ever been...Last year around this time I was focusing on my celebrations leading up to turning 30, and one of the things that I learned in addition to:
- it's good not to live in squalor (thanks IKEA!)
- my wisdom teeth are over-rated
- Jamaica rules
is that the most effective way to stay in love with New York is to give myself the opportunity to miss it.
During an extended period without escape I become a Mega New York A**hole. Case in point-- FL for Christmas was my last trip, I had to walk through Times Square today to get to a meeting and I unabashedly photo-bombed a tourist's snapshot while mumbling "Ya know what's cool about New York? Me." So around this time I know I need to get off the island soon, or else I'm going to start pushing people onto the subway tracks...or clipping them at increasing levels of aggression as they try to push onto my train car before I've had the chance to get off...or follow an offer of "sorry" by shouting "but you're not!" if the sentiment is not returned when our umbrellas collide on a crowded street (of which there are no other kind)...you get the idea.
So I have to go away. To places where I am given time to reflect and regret the absence of
- the hum of the Triboro bridge out my apartment window
- takeout from Crave until 5 AM
- 24 hour public transportation
- everything literally being in walking distance (if I have the time)
- the stores people in other cities can only visit by using a web browser
- being able to go to literally 100s (if not 1000s) of other bars if I act like a d**k in one of them
There's a certain amount of time it takes to relax into this other lifestyle and get to the "missing" though. In Florida for example, it takes some extreme meditational breathing for me to not want to stab an old lady in front of me at Dunkin' Donuts if she can't decide what she wants. I eventually realize that I'm wearing flip flops, and have absolutely no place important to be, plus I should probably not stab granny since by the looks of her these may be her last 2 donuts anyway.
After I deflate my a**holery enough to enjoy myself it's smooth sailing and 100% restorative. I can't believe my bar tabs are so low, everyone is so f**king polite, and I can turn off my phone without twitching.
Inevitably though...this leads to boredom.
As awesome as cheap beer and nice people are, eventually I want to come back to NY, cuz here I can yell "F**K YOU" at the top of my lungs at any given time without raising a single eyebrow...and then go home and pet my bunny.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Day 11- 2012
I'm pretty over being down. I struggle with letting myself feel depressed because I want to be fun to be around, and sometimes this turns into passive aggression when people don't understand (how could they? it's not like I'm telling them) instead of dealing with it. So I've been trying to allow myself just feel this and ride it out as an alternative, but I've gotten to a point where I want to stop indulging it because the ride is taking too long.
To work on developing a more positive outlook and stop being such a little b**ch, I'm going to list some things that ARE good right now:
- 2 of my friends are getting married next week. I'm excited to be invited to the celebration because they are a couple of the most genuine and kicka** guys I know. I think it's pretty awesome that gay couples are finally able to do this. In a world where some people still hold up values that allow Kim Kardashian's 12 minute marriage to rank as more sacred than their 10+ years relationship, I pride myself on being on the side of sanity. Also, doesn't hurt that their wedding is taking place at one of my favorite new places in the 'hood, Sugar Freak.
- BRUNCH! I actually went there today with a dear friend and got this fatkid orgasm on a plate:
Yeah. There's plenty more of that in my future.
- My parents are visiting next weekend. They're seeing a few Broadway shows and it's my dad's birthday so we're going to Dinosaur BBQ to celebrate while they're in town. Rick, Sue & salt potatoes-- now that's a reason to smile.
- The weekend after that some of my favorite people are coming to town and staying with me. We'll be seeking out Irish music (but I won't be drinking...on St. Patrick's day. Ouch, but oh well.) and getting together with some of my other favorite local people for Italian food and shenanigans. I love all of those things.
- In the coming month I've got tickets to the Head and the Heart and First Aid Kit x 2. Rock'n'roll soothes my soul! Those bands are awesome, go check them out.
- I'm heading to New Orleans in a couple weeks to unwind, relax, eat, sleep in, see live music & performances, hang w/ awesome peeps and generally unplug. Being there always makes me more zen and I haven't been back since October so I'm way overdue. Funny thing is, the more I visit, the more I know what it means to miss New Orleans...
- At the end of the month I'm going with a friend to Philly for the first time. We'll be seeing First Aid Kit and visiting her family, good times.
...and that's just March. So, yeah, I should buck up and be happy. There seems to be a line I've crossed from healthy emotional behavior into hiding in darkness that I want to uncross.
And this helped! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to ride this wave and dance around my apartment in my PJs to Kanye & Jay Z cuz I'm feeling like taking it to the moon, then taking it to the staaaaaaaaars.
:)
To work on developing a more positive outlook and stop being such a little b**ch, I'm going to list some things that ARE good right now:
- 2 of my friends are getting married next week. I'm excited to be invited to the celebration because they are a couple of the most genuine and kicka** guys I know. I think it's pretty awesome that gay couples are finally able to do this. In a world where some people still hold up values that allow Kim Kardashian's 12 minute marriage to rank as more sacred than their 10+ years relationship, I pride myself on being on the side of sanity. Also, doesn't hurt that their wedding is taking place at one of my favorite new places in the 'hood, Sugar Freak.
- BRUNCH! I actually went there today with a dear friend and got this fatkid orgasm on a plate:
Yeah. There's plenty more of that in my future.
- My parents are visiting next weekend. They're seeing a few Broadway shows and it's my dad's birthday so we're going to Dinosaur BBQ to celebrate while they're in town. Rick, Sue & salt potatoes-- now that's a reason to smile.
- The weekend after that some of my favorite people are coming to town and staying with me. We'll be seeking out Irish music (but I won't be drinking...on St. Patrick's day. Ouch, but oh well.) and getting together with some of my other favorite local people for Italian food and shenanigans. I love all of those things.
- In the coming month I've got tickets to the Head and the Heart and First Aid Kit x 2. Rock'n'roll soothes my soul! Those bands are awesome, go check them out.
- I'm heading to New Orleans in a couple weeks to unwind, relax, eat, sleep in, see live music & performances, hang w/ awesome peeps and generally unplug. Being there always makes me more zen and I haven't been back since October so I'm way overdue. Funny thing is, the more I visit, the more I know what it means to miss New Orleans...
- At the end of the month I'm going with a friend to Philly for the first time. We'll be seeing First Aid Kit and visiting her family, good times.
...and that's just March. So, yeah, I should buck up and be happy. There seems to be a line I've crossed from healthy emotional behavior into hiding in darkness that I want to uncross.
And this helped! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to ride this wave and dance around my apartment in my PJs to Kanye & Jay Z cuz I'm feeling like taking it to the moon, then taking it to the staaaaaaaaars.
:)
Day 10 - 2012
Oddly...maybe normally...I don't miss FB or booze all that much.
Even though I tried to make this social experiment harder, maybe I'm just realizing how much I don't need the things I think I do. I'm kinda f**king up Lent by being so good at it. I'm awesome!
But for realsies, I find myself wanting those things for the ritual feeling associated with them more than actual desire. For example, before getting out of bed in the morning I always check/maintain my email then Instagram then FB. Occasionally in the last week I've tapped that blue square as a matter of habit, but not because I have a burning need to connect.
And typically on Fridays I throw myself headlong into Beer:30 at the office to celebrate making it through the week and relieve some of the pressure that's been building. Tonight, instead of doing that I stayed 'til after 7PM to get some extra work done, which also effectively took some weight off my shoulders. The only time it was hard was when someone poured a beer near me and I could smell it-- it smelled like heaven, hops, mistakes and good times.
Then again, FB & booze are by their very nature very social, and since I've been kinda depressed lately I am not particularly motivated to mingle with other people technologically or otherwise. So maybe I'm not awesome, I'm just hermetic. If everything was kicking a** perhaps I'd want to share and cheers to it all.
Lent, if reflecting is key, I might be doing you right after all.
Even though I tried to make this social experiment harder, maybe I'm just realizing how much I don't need the things I think I do. I'm kinda f**king up Lent by being so good at it. I'm awesome!
But for realsies, I find myself wanting those things for the ritual feeling associated with them more than actual desire. For example, before getting out of bed in the morning I always check/maintain my email then Instagram then FB. Occasionally in the last week I've tapped that blue square as a matter of habit, but not because I have a burning need to connect.
And typically on Fridays I throw myself headlong into Beer:30 at the office to celebrate making it through the week and relieve some of the pressure that's been building. Tonight, instead of doing that I stayed 'til after 7PM to get some extra work done, which also effectively took some weight off my shoulders. The only time it was hard was when someone poured a beer near me and I could smell it-- it smelled like heaven, hops, mistakes and good times.
Then again, FB & booze are by their very nature very social, and since I've been kinda depressed lately I am not particularly motivated to mingle with other people technologically or otherwise. So maybe I'm not awesome, I'm just hermetic. If everything was kicking a** perhaps I'd want to share and cheers to it all.
Lent, if reflecting is key, I might be doing you right after all.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Day 9 - 2012
Day 8 (Leap Day, which was exciting all on its own) I bought a purse and matching wallet.
This is only notable because I've never bought a purse before. I'm more of a "bag" kind of gal, and I've been sporting the same Kid Robot tote for the last year or 2. Ol' Totey is awesome and has reflective piping, which comes in handy because I do so many reckless activities after dark, but I figured it was time to retire/upgrade.
Percy & Wally (I'm named them too, guess who's who!) are shiny in their own right, yet devoid of vinyl toys-- caricatures of, dangling, or otherwise...this may take some getting used to. The brand is not a crazy fancy label or anything but it did cost more than I usually spend on myself. I figure with the no booze I'll break even soon though. I've also been bringing my lunch all week in an attempt to not fall off the "cleanse" wagon onto a plate of onion rings, so there's savings there too. Look, here they are!
Clappity clappity!
After moving into Percy & Wally (found some crazy shizz in the old Wall-E btw, like the business card of the cowboy / middle school teacher that walked me back to my hotel from the Grand Canyon Brewery 2 summers ago and a tiiiiiiny folded paper subway map...REMEMBER MAPS?! THAT WEREN'T ON YOUR PHONE?! I do, now.), I popped in the Netflix that just arrived in the mail: "Can't Hardly Wait." Had to pause partway through so that I could make my bedtime, but just finished it now on Day 9.
That movie's awesomeness totally holds up. I know most of the words, yet I haven't seen it in years, so it was sort of like running into an old friend without missing a beat. CHW came out in 1998, when I was a junior in high-school, and easily joined the rotation with Dazed & Confused, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Better Off Dead and The Breakfast Club. Those movies are all great and I love them in their own right for helping me fumble through my H.S. years, but CHW is special because I relate to it on a different level.
Jack from Hook was all grown up (just like me), there's a NKOTB reference, Seth Green wears Jnco-like pants, and Blink 182 is featured on the soundtrack. AND!!!-- tonight, I spotted a young Jason Segel as one of the stoners. I ask, what's not to love? This is the movie that keeps on giving. Go put it on your queue, I'll wait here....
Feel better now? Me too.
The takeaway of CHW as I interpret it is pretty typical for the genre: keep on keepin' on. No matter what age I am, if I'm carrying a Jansport or a Calvin Klein, it's nice to have the warm fuzzy feeling of getting that message.
AAAAAAAAAND it's bonus-style awesome that Jenna Elfman as a stripper/angel helps bring it home.
I'll leave you with that. You're welcome.
This is only notable because I've never bought a purse before. I'm more of a "bag" kind of gal, and I've been sporting the same Kid Robot tote for the last year or 2. Ol' Totey is awesome and has reflective piping, which comes in handy because I do so many reckless activities after dark, but I figured it was time to retire/upgrade.
Percy & Wally (I'm named them too, guess who's who!) are shiny in their own right, yet devoid of vinyl toys-- caricatures of, dangling, or otherwise...this may take some getting used to. The brand is not a crazy fancy label or anything but it did cost more than I usually spend on myself. I figure with the no booze I'll break even soon though. I've also been bringing my lunch all week in an attempt to not fall off the "cleanse" wagon onto a plate of onion rings, so there's savings there too. Look, here they are!
Clappity clappity!
After moving into Percy & Wally (found some crazy shizz in the old Wall-E btw, like the business card of the cowboy / middle school teacher that walked me back to my hotel from the Grand Canyon Brewery 2 summers ago and a tiiiiiiny folded paper subway map...REMEMBER MAPS?! THAT WEREN'T ON YOUR PHONE?! I do, now.), I popped in the Netflix that just arrived in the mail: "Can't Hardly Wait." Had to pause partway through so that I could make my bedtime, but just finished it now on Day 9.
That movie's awesomeness totally holds up. I know most of the words, yet I haven't seen it in years, so it was sort of like running into an old friend without missing a beat. CHW came out in 1998, when I was a junior in high-school, and easily joined the rotation with Dazed & Confused, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Better Off Dead and The Breakfast Club. Those movies are all great and I love them in their own right for helping me fumble through my H.S. years, but CHW is special because I relate to it on a different level.
Jack from Hook was all grown up (just like me), there's a NKOTB reference, Seth Green wears Jnco-like pants, and Blink 182 is featured on the soundtrack. AND!!!-- tonight, I spotted a young Jason Segel as one of the stoners. I ask, what's not to love? This is the movie that keeps on giving. Go put it on your queue, I'll wait here....
Feel better now? Me too.
The takeaway of CHW as I interpret it is pretty typical for the genre: keep on keepin' on. No matter what age I am, if I'm carrying a Jansport or a Calvin Klein, it's nice to have the warm fuzzy feeling of getting that message.
AAAAAAAAAND it's bonus-style awesome that Jenna Elfman as a stripper/angel helps bring it home.
I'll leave you with that. You're welcome.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Day 7 - 2012
Thank goodness for Tostitos, I may just write them a letter about how they saved my relationship since I can't jump on FB and "fan" their page (if I haven't already, I do have love for chips so this could already be taken care of). Tonight, I sweetened the deal one more notch by following the chip with a baby carrot after "scarydrops time." If this keeps up, by the time the 10 days of dosing are over, I'll be serving TW a 9 course meal culminating in an ice cream parfait for dessert. I think we're both looking forward to that. Who doesn't love a parfait?
Rudy's didn't happen tonight, plans fell through so I still haven't been able to drink ginger ale in a bar while trying to act drunk. I've been practicing at home though, I think it's going to go pretty well when I get to take it out in public. I'm naturally good at going on meandering tangents and falling into things, so putting a glass in my hand is really the only adjustment I'll be making. Still, I'm good at it.
I like that doing this motivates me to sit down and write(type). I always wanted to end up being a writer (in life) in some sense. Penning the great American novel or traveling and reporting on my experiences with the cheeses of the world...I enjoy organizing what's in my head into thoughtful patterns, but find that I lack the drive to do it consistently. It's like writer's mule, rather than block. The words are stubborn and need proper inspiration to pour out. So this bloggity is like my writer's mule's hint of jalapeño Tostito chip, if my mule was a rabbit, specifically my rabbit, and words were like climbing a canyon, or some such thing a mule would do.
Right?
Wow, I sound drunk...I told you I was good at it.
Rudy's didn't happen tonight, plans fell through so I still haven't been able to drink ginger ale in a bar while trying to act drunk. I've been practicing at home though, I think it's going to go pretty well when I get to take it out in public. I'm naturally good at going on meandering tangents and falling into things, so putting a glass in my hand is really the only adjustment I'll be making. Still, I'm good at it.
I like that doing this motivates me to sit down and write(type). I always wanted to end up being a writer (in life) in some sense. Penning the great American novel or traveling and reporting on my experiences with the cheeses of the world...I enjoy organizing what's in my head into thoughtful patterns, but find that I lack the drive to do it consistently. It's like writer's mule, rather than block. The words are stubborn and need proper inspiration to pour out. So this bloggity is like my writer's mule's hint of jalapeño Tostito chip, if my mule was a rabbit, specifically my rabbit, and words were like climbing a canyon, or some such thing a mule would do.
Right?
Wow, I sound drunk...I told you I was good at it.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Day 6 - 2012
I had 2 photo shoots to tend today, so I was on my feet and my mind was occupied for most of the 14 hours between leaving and coming back home. The distraction was pretty much a blessing. Though my feet hurt and my eyes are burning, I'm getting better all the time...wanted a beer pretty bad after we wrapped, but I came home and had a diet Dr. Pepper instead (further perpetuating my "old lady" status). Caffeine and carbs have come back into my life with a vengeance, so at least that un-zombie'd me some. I never thought I'd be so excited to see a bagel on the catering table (<-- that's a lie). Didn't really feel like telling anyone I saw today about the TW situation, but I talked to my mom tonight and told her. I don't know if I was being strong for me or her, but I made it through the story without falling apart, so that's progress.
I pulled a muscle crying last night. Never felt anything like that before, didn't even know it happened until the deep breaths I was trying to take started making the top of my ribs ache. The hurt has dulled now, in almost every sense.
Trying to look on the positive side, I know there's nothing to be gained from looking any other way. Being realistic and optimistic seem like they can be negotiated, guess I have to find the balance.
Just had to give TW her drops, and either I've figured out her kryptonite or she's figured out mine. The antibiotics in her eyes she's fine with, but last night after I sat her up so I could put them on her tummy, she cowered in her cage for the rest of the night when I let her go. That made me upset(er) so tonight I tried to soften the blow with one of her personal favorites- a hint of jalepeño flavored Tostito chip. After I put the drops on her tummy she ran into her cage again, but this time I popped my hand in right after her, holding out a chip. Instead of cowering, she pulled it right out of my fingers and devoured it without any sense of shame or fear. Not sure who's happier about this discovery, but it's nice to wonder about a different emotion.
I pulled a muscle crying last night. Never felt anything like that before, didn't even know it happened until the deep breaths I was trying to take started making the top of my ribs ache. The hurt has dulled now, in almost every sense.
Trying to look on the positive side, I know there's nothing to be gained from looking any other way. Being realistic and optimistic seem like they can be negotiated, guess I have to find the balance.
Just had to give TW her drops, and either I've figured out her kryptonite or she's figured out mine. The antibiotics in her eyes she's fine with, but last night after I sat her up so I could put them on her tummy, she cowered in her cage for the rest of the night when I let her go. That made me upset(er) so tonight I tried to soften the blow with one of her personal favorites- a hint of jalepeño flavored Tostito chip. After I put the drops on her tummy she ran into her cage again, but this time I popped my hand in right after her, holding out a chip. Instead of cowering, she pulled it right out of my fingers and devoured it without any sense of shame or fear. Not sure who's happier about this discovery, but it's nice to wonder about a different emotion.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Day 5 - 2012 again
Update: It's a tumor, not a cyst.
She's eating, drinking and acting normally though. I wrapped a towel around the cage door she hops in/out of so that she doesn't bump into any rough edges. If the size or bleeding (there was some spotting near it) get worse, I'll have to consider having it removed. Since she's so old, putting her under sedation poses a risk. There's also a chance the vet will find more tumors when he removes this one because it's near her mammary glands, and sometimes when one manifests in that area there are more inside. For now though, I just need to keep an eye on the size of it, mix omega fatty acid + vitamins into her food, and treat the area with antibiotics.
I'm calm and collected(ish) now. A few hours ago when the vet said the word "tumor" though, I think I invented/discovered projectile crying. I had my glasses on, and when I took them off later to clean the lenses, tears were sprayed all over the inside. He was so startled when it happened that before realizing what he was saying next, he offered to take me to a movie to get my mind off the situation. In any other moment it would seem like harassment, but I'm pretty sure that's probably just what he tells his kids when he wants them to stop crying like little b**ches
$135 for exam, antibiotics, and food supplements...the surgery would be $400-500 if the tumor changes and I want to have it removed. On the one hand- I appreciate that I'm at a place in my life where I can make this financial decision because that kind of money is in the bank, on the other- I don't want to make that f**king decision.
I'm okay mulling it over now, but any time I think about telling someone I get all torn up again. I talked to a couple friends, and I know I should call my parents to tell them, but I can't bear to keep repeating the story. I guess this has made me consider my stance on sharing really personal things via media...at least then you only have to say it once.
She's eating, drinking and acting normally though. I wrapped a towel around the cage door she hops in/out of so that she doesn't bump into any rough edges. If the size or bleeding (there was some spotting near it) get worse, I'll have to consider having it removed. Since she's so old, putting her under sedation poses a risk. There's also a chance the vet will find more tumors when he removes this one because it's near her mammary glands, and sometimes when one manifests in that area there are more inside. For now though, I just need to keep an eye on the size of it, mix omega fatty acid + vitamins into her food, and treat the area with antibiotics.
I'm calm and collected(ish) now. A few hours ago when the vet said the word "tumor" though, I think I invented/discovered projectile crying. I had my glasses on, and when I took them off later to clean the lenses, tears were sprayed all over the inside. He was so startled when it happened that before realizing what he was saying next, he offered to take me to a movie to get my mind off the situation. In any other moment it would seem like harassment, but I'm pretty sure that's probably just what he tells his kids when he wants them to stop crying like little b**ches
$135 for exam, antibiotics, and food supplements...the surgery would be $400-500 if the tumor changes and I want to have it removed. On the one hand- I appreciate that I'm at a place in my life where I can make this financial decision because that kind of money is in the bank, on the other- I don't want to make that f**king decision.
I'm okay mulling it over now, but any time I think about telling someone I get all torn up again. I talked to a couple friends, and I know I should call my parents to tell them, but I can't bear to keep repeating the story. I guess this has made me consider my stance on sharing really personal things via media...at least then you only have to say it once.
Day 5 - 2012
Feeling a little run-down...Life without cheeseburgers is sort of devoid of excitement, or maybe just energy. This "cleanse" has at least made me look at all the food labels that have come into my life in the past few days though. There were a few nice surprises-- like my orange juice only has oranges in it, and the organic peanut butter in my cupboard only has peanuts in it (even though the oil separating kinda grosses me out). So many things had salt added though, that was kinda eye-opening.
Day 2 I was legit space-cadet. I think the cheese and sugar withdrawals were manifesting themselves in my complete lack of focus. That was weird but eventually passed.
Day 3 I started off okay, but by the afternoon I got mega-hangry and would have sacrificed my own mother for a basked of french fries covered in cheese and ranch dressing. But I persevered, perhaps at the expense of my coworkers who experienced the extent of my wrath, but only until it was time to eat my pineapple snack. After that I un-Hulked back into my ripped up t-shirt and acted mostly civil again.
I saw Philip Glass and Patti Smith at the Park Avenue Armory that night, and the experience washed whatever animosity that was left in me far far away. It's an awesome space, like none I've been in before. Check out the site but this blurb helps paint the picture: "The Armory’s 55,000 square foot drill hall, reminiscent of the original Grand Central Depot and the great train sheds of Europe, remains one of the largest unobstructed spaces of its kind in New York." I purchased general admission tickets, so my friend, Matt, and I sat on cushions on the floor right next to the stage (which was level with the floor). So neat.
The theme was a tribute to Alan Ginsberg, so the bulk of the night Patti read selections of his work while Philip accompanied her on the piano. There was also a solo by Philip, and Patti had a couple band members join her to jam for few songs as well. All along, huge projections of photos behind them cycled through moments in Alan Ginsberg's life. Having recently read "Just Kids," it was really special to me to experience Patti live. This year marks Philip's 75th birthday, so to see and hear him play was a surreal treat as well. Matt and I wandered around after that, hitting up the views from the East River then a diner on 1st Avenue to have coffay and gossip, like the old friends we are.
Day 4 was relatively lazy/productive in that I cleaned my house and chased the rabbit around the house between naps. No more lack of focus or focus of anger, just generally chill and relaxed. I am also getting really good a seasoning baked potatoes, lemon juice and pepper are my favorites so far. Bacon, sour cream and cheese are sorely missed though... (the fat kid in me is struggling pretty hard to get out, I think it just punched me in the kidneys when I typed "bacon")
So here I am at Day 5. I think this will be the last day of the "cleanse." I'm glad I did it, I do feel like it's been good for my body/health and hopefully the attention to food labels as well as abbreviated seasoning are things I'll take with me to make better choices. I've also grown appreciative of decaffeinated tea in all its varied flavors and scents. I sometimes quote a friend and call decaf anything "a cup of nonsense," but even without the jolt of caffeine a hot cuppa can be very comforting. Wow, I sound like an old lady. Ah well, I sorta am.
I haven't had to address the no booze yet, it hasn't really been missed. I have a date with some friends to go to Rudy's (home of the free hotdogs and cheap pitchers o' beer) on Tuesday though, so I'll report back on that.
On another note, as I write this, I'm waiting for the vet to open at noon so that I can see if TW and I can get in today. Last night I was aggressively grooming her and I found a pretty angry looking sore (cyst maybe?) on her tummy. From my exhaustive googling and reading of bunny blawgs, it sounds like they can just drain it and she'll be okay. Her eating and being an a**hole habits haven't changed, so hopefully this is on the surface and there's nothing bad going on inside.
Ya know, every time I tell people I have a rabbit, or people want to know how she is, they inevitably ask "how long do rabbits live?" I know it's not a mean question, just curiosity because she's technically an exotic (non dog or cat) pet and I've had her for as long as some people have known me (she'll be 9 this year). I used to go through a song and dance about what I've researched and tell an anecdote about a lady I met on a plane that had a rabbit that lived 'til it was 12. Now I just say "I guess I'll find out." I don't like to think about it, and with her being 9 soon the reality is I'll probably find out the answer sometime in the next few years.
So, a disturbing place my mind went when I found the cyst last night and was forced to think about it (after I cried for awhile and then pulled it together enough to google the shizz out of bunny message boards), was contemplating how to tell people if something were to happen to TW. I guess it's natural and I'm a planner by default, but that I had to think about how I'm supposed to communicate with the people who care about me was a strange realization.
Made me remember a convo Matt and while we were gossiping at the diner the other night. We talked about how when people post really personal things on FB (sickness, death in the family, etc), that it is sometimes hard to gauge how to reach out to them. He maintains that it's simple-- call them, don't comment or message or text. If that person is really your friend, then there's never a bad time to pick up your phone and use it as an actual phone. I agree, but right off the bat it didn't occur to me how easy that is.
Funny how social networking can sometimes muddle how you relay a message instead of making it easier...
Day 2 I was legit space-cadet. I think the cheese and sugar withdrawals were manifesting themselves in my complete lack of focus. That was weird but eventually passed.
Day 3 I started off okay, but by the afternoon I got mega-hangry and would have sacrificed my own mother for a basked of french fries covered in cheese and ranch dressing. But I persevered, perhaps at the expense of my coworkers who experienced the extent of my wrath, but only until it was time to eat my pineapple snack. After that I un-Hulked back into my ripped up t-shirt and acted mostly civil again.
I saw Philip Glass and Patti Smith at the Park Avenue Armory that night, and the experience washed whatever animosity that was left in me far far away. It's an awesome space, like none I've been in before. Check out the site but this blurb helps paint the picture: "The Armory’s 55,000 square foot drill hall, reminiscent of the original Grand Central Depot and the great train sheds of Europe, remains one of the largest unobstructed spaces of its kind in New York." I purchased general admission tickets, so my friend, Matt, and I sat on cushions on the floor right next to the stage (which was level with the floor). So neat.
The theme was a tribute to Alan Ginsberg, so the bulk of the night Patti read selections of his work while Philip accompanied her on the piano. There was also a solo by Philip, and Patti had a couple band members join her to jam for few songs as well. All along, huge projections of photos behind them cycled through moments in Alan Ginsberg's life. Having recently read "Just Kids," it was really special to me to experience Patti live. This year marks Philip's 75th birthday, so to see and hear him play was a surreal treat as well. Matt and I wandered around after that, hitting up the views from the East River then a diner on 1st Avenue to have coffay and gossip, like the old friends we are.
Day 4 was relatively lazy/productive in that I cleaned my house and chased the rabbit around the house between naps. No more lack of focus or focus of anger, just generally chill and relaxed. I am also getting really good a seasoning baked potatoes, lemon juice and pepper are my favorites so far. Bacon, sour cream and cheese are sorely missed though... (the fat kid in me is struggling pretty hard to get out, I think it just punched me in the kidneys when I typed "bacon")
So here I am at Day 5. I think this will be the last day of the "cleanse." I'm glad I did it, I do feel like it's been good for my body/health and hopefully the attention to food labels as well as abbreviated seasoning are things I'll take with me to make better choices. I've also grown appreciative of decaffeinated tea in all its varied flavors and scents. I sometimes quote a friend and call decaf anything "a cup of nonsense," but even without the jolt of caffeine a hot cuppa can be very comforting. Wow, I sound like an old lady. Ah well, I sorta am.
I haven't had to address the no booze yet, it hasn't really been missed. I have a date with some friends to go to Rudy's (home of the free hotdogs and cheap pitchers o' beer) on Tuesday though, so I'll report back on that.
On another note, as I write this, I'm waiting for the vet to open at noon so that I can see if TW and I can get in today. Last night I was aggressively grooming her and I found a pretty angry looking sore (cyst maybe?) on her tummy. From my exhaustive googling and reading of bunny blawgs, it sounds like they can just drain it and she'll be okay. Her eating and being an a**hole habits haven't changed, so hopefully this is on the surface and there's nothing bad going on inside.
Ya know, every time I tell people I have a rabbit, or people want to know how she is, they inevitably ask "how long do rabbits live?" I know it's not a mean question, just curiosity because she's technically an exotic (non dog or cat) pet and I've had her for as long as some people have known me (she'll be 9 this year). I used to go through a song and dance about what I've researched and tell an anecdote about a lady I met on a plane that had a rabbit that lived 'til it was 12. Now I just say "I guess I'll find out." I don't like to think about it, and with her being 9 soon the reality is I'll probably find out the answer sometime in the next few years.
So, a disturbing place my mind went when I found the cyst last night and was forced to think about it (after I cried for awhile and then pulled it together enough to google the shizz out of bunny message boards), was contemplating how to tell people if something were to happen to TW. I guess it's natural and I'm a planner by default, but that I had to think about how I'm supposed to communicate with the people who care about me was a strange realization.
Made me remember a convo Matt and while we were gossiping at the diner the other night. We talked about how when people post really personal things on FB (sickness, death in the family, etc), that it is sometimes hard to gauge how to reach out to them. He maintains that it's simple-- call them, don't comment or message or text. If that person is really your friend, then there's never a bad time to pick up your phone and use it as an actual phone. I agree, but right off the bat it didn't occur to me how easy that is.
Funny how social networking can sometimes muddle how you relay a message instead of making it easier...
Friday, February 24, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Day 1 - 2012 again
So far so good, I made it through the day without checking FB or drinking booze.
AND to make this first leg of the journey extra super duper interesting, I decided to go on a self assigned and created cleanse for the next few days. I'm not doing the crazy cayenne pepper & lemonade sh*t your pants and be in the worst mood ever regimen, it's more of a fruit, vegetables, nuts and legumes situation. I just went to the food store (you know, the store with the food), got $40 worth of the above that I find tolerable (orange bell pepper, celery, carrots, pineapple, oranges, grapes, almonds & black beans), and chopped the heck out of it all so I can take snax to work tomorrow. I was going to have the black beans for dinner, but when I read the back of the bag I realized it would take FOREVER (like hours) and I'm supposed to do something like "soak" them first? Whatever. I was just going to go hungry until I found some potatoes in the fridge so those are baking, which also takes forever but does not require learning new skillz like "soaking."
Wow, if this was a FB status you wouldn't have had to read all of that mundane sh*t. It would have been crystallized into something like, "FML!!!"
But, just like when reading a personals ad, if you've gotten this far-- you must be interested. I'll try not to let you down. My life, uncut, comin' atcha for the next forty-something days...and I'll try to make it more interesting than my shopping list in the future.
You stay classy, Internetlandia, and thanks for stopping by.
AND to make this first leg of the journey extra super duper interesting, I decided to go on a self assigned and created cleanse for the next few days. I'm not doing the crazy cayenne pepper & lemonade sh*t your pants and be in the worst mood ever regimen, it's more of a fruit, vegetables, nuts and legumes situation. I just went to the food store (you know, the store with the food), got $40 worth of the above that I find tolerable (orange bell pepper, celery, carrots, pineapple, oranges, grapes, almonds & black beans), and chopped the heck out of it all so I can take snax to work tomorrow. I was going to have the black beans for dinner, but when I read the back of the bag I realized it would take FOREVER (like hours) and I'm supposed to do something like "soak" them first? Whatever. I was just going to go hungry until I found some potatoes in the fridge so those are baking, which also takes forever but does not require learning new skillz like "soaking."
Wow, if this was a FB status you wouldn't have had to read all of that mundane sh*t. It would have been crystallized into something like, "FML!!!"
But, just like when reading a personals ad, if you've gotten this far-- you must be interested. I'll try not to let you down. My life, uncut, comin' atcha for the next forty-something days...and I'll try to make it more interesting than my shopping list in the future.
You stay classy, Internetlandia, and thanks for stopping by.
Day 1 - 2012
I've been trying to decide if giving up the Faceplace even qualifies as a hardship anymore. Between Instagram, Twitter (which I have just plain given up on in general, but it's available to me), this blog, and sites like Pinterest, I hardly need it as a tool for communication. Now for stalking, there's nothing better, so I suppose I'll miss that...although does it even qualify as "stalking" if you're peering into the lives of your technical friends? I prefer to call it "aggressive interest." But I digress...so, kiddos-- I've decided that in order to make this season of Lent more interesting, I'm giving up booze too. Let the games begin.
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