Monday, March 25, 2013

Days 31 thru 34 - 3/20-3/24

Quite by accident I failed at my Lenten experiment (in a way). I sat down at a bar to wait for a friend on Thursday night and without even thinking about it, ordered an Abita Light. I was into my first sip before I realized I was screwing up Lent. I felt bad at first...and then I didn't.

As I've professed, the reason I give myself these challenges is not religious in nature, so it wasn't like I betrayed my faith. I do this each season to inspire myself to blog(write) about my experiences. As I continued to sip the Abita, I thought about this. Although I feel like I started off very targeted, as the years have gone by the exercise has just become an excuse to put how I feel into words. I need pushes in my life, and this was the push I required to be creative by giving myself a responsibility to process my reactions to what I gave up. I've drifted though, and my blog entries are more generally about whatever I'm going through, regardless of the impact of what I sacrificed for Lent.

So I lost my focus, but gained my voice.

By acknowledging that, it's been easier to come back to the computer to write. I don't have to recycle my impressions or dig deep for implications. Life is easy enough to tell like it is a series of stories without having to set up a reason to tell them.

Now that that's out there...let me tell you about the fucking 1/2 marathon I ran yesterday. (I'm giving up the asterisk game too, curse words are much more powerful when spelled out in all their fucking glory).

On January 1st I made a resolution to myself to start yogging regularly, and I kept up pretty good with it by doing around 10 miles a week. One of my friends who is a running enthusiast took notice of my new hobby and suggested I sign up for a 1/2 marathon with her to inspire myself further. This seemed like a good idea at the time. So I said sure, and in mid-February upped my training by stretching the distances I was yogging. Last week I got a sinus/throat infection and my allergies kicked into crazy high gear, but I took a few days off then kept going because I figured I could muscle through it. You know, with my big bulging yogger's muscles. (I still have a super sexy cough btw - the kind where people give up their seat next to you on the train, it's that super sexy.)

The morning of the 1/2 marathon we got on a train bound for the course location: Sleepy Hollow, NY. I was nervous, not only because I'm scared of the headless horseman, but also because I've never done any kind of run with a large group. When I set goals I apparently decide I should achieve them (even when I'm still wrestling with phlegm and anxiety) though, so we arrived, then pinned on our numbers and headed to the starting line.

I am somewhat socially awkward in any new situation. Once I am comfortable with a person/group/setting, I'm stupidly charming and funny, but initial encounters with anything new or different make me self-conscious and uneasy. And that's ok, it's just how I am. Part of the reason is that I worry constantly if people like and respect me. This is probably because I'm not always sure if I like and respect me. When the people I'm around accept me though, I can go easier on myself since that's what the herd is doing. This isn't a perfect way to exist and I'm working on being more confident but not an asshole that doesn't care about the impact I have on others. Balance is a bitch though. I also worry when I don't know what to expect and how I will react to any unknown factors. This can be social and also topographical, because I'm partially blind in one of my eyes. Depth perception and objects on my right can also be a bitch.

We start and I'm already tweaking out because there are so many people (884 participants according to their website). I'm used to yogging in my park, where I know where all the turns and inclines are and am familiar with path etiquette. Everyone was nice, but I hated it.

There was mud, steep inclines, water stations where people threw their cups down on the ground when they were done which is apparently what you do but made me upset about littering, narrow paths, uneven bricks, tight corners, extreme downhill grades that made my toes squish painfully in my sneakers, mile markers that didn't match up with the notifications on my MapMyRun app, double-backs that made me realize how many people were kicking my ass, wind, rude signs supposedly designed to encourage me (example: "If you're reading this, you're running too slow!"), highways only partially shut down so cars were in the next lane, and did I mention all the people? I could elaborate exponentially on each of these things (gift? curse? undecided.) but you get the idea. There were also some very nice views of the Hudson and a neat graveyard along the way. After I crossed the finish line my nerves were shot and I just wanted to go crawl into a hot indefinitely long shower. Alone.

I calmed down after a few minutes of rest and little paper cups of water. After I hobbled home I had a neti-pot, Mountain Dew and 1/2 pizza marathon (winner!), then passed out on the couch while watching Frankenweenie. Oh, as far as not watching TV and movies...I fucked that up too. I was depressed last week and noticed that season 3 of Archer is on Netflix streaming now (end of explanation).

Like anything you wonder if you can do until you actually do it, I'm ultimately glad I finished the 1/2 marathon. I don't think I will ever yog in a group setting again though because it was just too stressful for me. And as I said before, that's ok, it's just how I am. I have other strengths (pizza eating, beer drinking, over thinking things) and plenty of other stuff to be anxious about (finding a job, telling a guy dating that I'm just not that into him, catching mice) so I'll leave the fucking marathons, 1/2 or otherwise, to those who are more like those shitty hills I wheezed up -- inclined.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Days 14 thru 30 - 2/28-->3/19/13

Wow, I lost some steam again...not for lack of things to write about but for confidence in how I would be telling it all.

I have a way of convincing myself that I'm not good enough at something and so should put it off, thus this approx 3 week gap in coverage. I have legitimately been busy at times -- parental visit, being semi-stalked by a cab driver, got a chemical peel, went on a couple dates, had 2 job interviews, am yogging 25+ miles a week, currently on day 5 of a z-pak -- but within all of that I've also been kinda unimpressed with myself in general, so I don't feel like writing up those things because I may paint them in a way that matches the low dips in my uneven moods. I use up the energy to be upbeat while in public or socializing, so that by the time I get home I just want to disappear into a blanket cocoon on my couch. But writing is the best way for me to get negative feelings out of my system, so it's a vicious cycle that spirals into a black hole until I get dizzy and vomit words

Part of the problem is also that I overwhelm myself. I'm a believer in list-making, and the list on my desk right now covers so many things that looking at it makes me feel buried by the items instead of organized. Here's an sample from the list:

401K
iMovie
bike
Wave Hill?
sweatshirt GC
apts
massage
accupuncture
story class
Kirk
balance, breathe, let go, love, true story, fake it til you break it

Ok, not that bad, but what each item implies is way more daunting...and the thought process that ensues is the real b**ch of it. Here is the list again, free form expanded:

401K - Need to figure out what to do w/ that once I get a new job - withdraw and reinvest? Need to f**king get a new job first. Ugh, I suck at life.

iMovie - Should play around with it and teach myself how to make simple edits. So many jobs want a producer/editor and I don't have editing skills or writing samples. I can do lots of other things but nobody is putting "can keep everyone on schedule even though Carrie Fisher crashes your shoot and there's an earthquake" (#truestory) in the skills section of their postings, so I need to make myself more marketable in other ways. Ugh, I suck at life.

bike - I want to get a bike or a scooter when it gets warmer. I also need to get my NY license now that I've done the paperwork and my FL one expires this year, and then I can get take the written test for a motorcycle/scooter learner's permit. I don't have money for driving lessons or a scooter though right now though so what's the point? Ugh, I suck at life.

Wave Hill? - I want to go there and check it out. It's snowing/raining/miserable out right now. I should just make another pot of coffay and watch more Archer. Ugh, the weather sucks at Spring.

sweatshirt GC - I have a gift certificate for Neighborhoodies that I won at a bar game on 10/2/08. Since they are not open on weekends and only until 6pm, I was never been able to use it because I couldn't exactly take a vacation day to make a custom sweatshirt. I still haven't made it to Brooklyn to cash it in...Ugh, I suck at life.

apts - I'm considering a relocation to New Orleans, so I'm going down the first week in April to check out a few things and see how real that possibility wants to be come. I have been looking at listings but until I have a solid move date there's not much else I can do. Moving freaks me out, but I've always wanted to live there, and maybe the ghosts of the mice I murdered (yes, there were more...I sticky trap and freed as many as I could but just last week I resorted to poison) won't be able to follow me there. But will the new kids like me? Will I have enough money? How will I get a car? What the f**k is holding me back? OMG I NEED TO GET PACKING BOXES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh, I suck at life.

massage - Need to use the gift certificate I have for Great Jones. This is a happy spot on the list, nothing sucks here.

acupuncture - I was in a hurry and hopped a turnstile for the first time in my life (yes, I was drunk) in January and hurt my leg on one of the silver spin-y things. It seems to be getting better with stretching, but with that and the sinus/respiratory shizz I have going on I want to look into a place my friend told me about that has a flexible payment plan. But I had to pay out of pocket this month for the chemical peel (quitting birth control was a great decision but I started to get acne on my shoulders/back that made me really self-conscious) and dentist, so I don't have the funds right now. Budgets are a bitch when you don't make any money. Ugh, I suck at life.

story class - have a Living Social deal for this and need to schedule but haven't been able to find a good weekend yet...did I mention I went to a Moth event in Brooklyn? It was kinda meh. I think the idea is great and am glad that they are so popular, but I didn't feel like it was an effective means of giving feedback or learning about storytelling in a collaborative environment. Hopefully the class will be, since it is a smaller group and the point is to teach you how to develop a story. Just need to keep an eye on the schedule for something that isn't sold out and works. I'm excited about that, nothing sucks here.

Kirk - I need to write him an email. This is my muse from college, and since my friend and I are taking a side-trip to Austin while I'm in Nola, I want to ask him about it since he's been there. I've always wanted to check it out so I'm psyched about that, nothing sucks here.

balance, breathe, let go, love, true story, fake it til you break it - these are all things I want to draw and paint. I like to do this, nothing sucks here.

Well what do you know, this word vomit is starting to reverse the spiral already.

I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed by things and underwhelmed by myself, but that honestly helped. Thanks for listening, internets!

I think I'll go get out my watercolors now...