Wow, I lost some steam again...not for lack of things to write about but for confidence in how I would be telling it all.
I have a way of convincing myself that I'm not good enough at something and so should put it off, thus this approx 3 week gap in coverage. I have legitimately been busy at times -- parental visit, being semi-stalked by a cab driver, got a chemical peel, went on a couple dates, had 2 job interviews, am yogging 25+ miles a week, currently on day 5 of a z-pak -- but within all of that I've also been kinda unimpressed with myself in general, so I don't feel like writing up those things because I may paint them in a way that matches the low dips in my uneven moods. I use up the energy to be upbeat while in public or socializing, so that by the time I get home I just want to disappear into a blanket cocoon on my couch. But writing is the best way for me to get negative feelings out of my system, so it's a vicious cycle that spirals into a black hole until I get dizzy and vomit words
Part of the problem is also that I overwhelm myself. I'm a believer in list-making, and the list on my desk right now covers so many things that looking at it makes me feel buried by the items instead of organized. Here's an sample from the list:
401K
iMovie
bike
Wave Hill?
sweatshirt GC
apts
massage
accupuncture
story class
Kirk
balance, breathe, let go, love, true story, fake it til you break it
Ok, not that bad, but what each item implies is way more daunting...and the thought process that ensues is the real b**ch of it. Here is the list again, free form expanded:
401K - Need to figure out what to do w/ that once I get a new job - withdraw and reinvest? Need to f**king get a new job first. Ugh, I suck at life.
iMovie - Should play around with it and teach myself how to make simple edits. So many jobs want a producer/editor and I don't have editing skills or writing samples. I can do lots of other things but nobody is putting "can keep everyone on schedule even though Carrie Fisher crashes your shoot and there's an earthquake" (#truestory) in the skills section of their postings, so I need to make myself more marketable in other ways. Ugh, I suck at life.
bike - I want to get a bike or a scooter when it gets warmer. I also need to get my NY license now that I've done the paperwork and my FL one expires this year, and then I can get take the written test for a motorcycle/scooter learner's permit. I don't have money for driving lessons or a scooter though right now though so what's the point? Ugh, I suck at life.
Wave Hill? - I want to go there and check it out. It's snowing/raining/miserable out right now. I should just make another pot of coffay and watch more Archer. Ugh, the weather sucks at Spring.
sweatshirt GC - I have a gift certificate for Neighborhoodies that I won at a bar game on 10/2/08. Since they are not open on weekends and only until 6pm, I was never been able to use it because I couldn't exactly take a vacation day to make a custom sweatshirt. I still haven't made it to Brooklyn to cash it in...Ugh, I suck at life.
apts - I'm considering a relocation to New Orleans, so I'm going down the first week in April to check out a few things and see how real that possibility wants to be come. I have been looking at listings but until I have a solid move date there's not much else I can do. Moving freaks me out, but I've always wanted to live there, and maybe the ghosts of the mice I murdered (yes, there were more...I sticky trap and freed as many as I could but just last week I resorted to poison) won't be able to follow me there. But will the new kids like me? Will I have enough money? How will I get a car? What the f**k is holding me back? OMG I NEED TO GET PACKING BOXES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh, I suck at life.
massage - Need to use the gift certificate I have for Great Jones. This is a happy spot on the list, nothing sucks here.
acupuncture - I was in a hurry and hopped a turnstile for the first time in my life (yes, I was drunk) in January and hurt my leg on one of the silver spin-y things. It seems to be getting better with stretching, but with that and the sinus/respiratory shizz I have going on I want to look into a place my friend told me about that has a flexible payment plan. But I had to pay out of pocket this month for the chemical peel (quitting birth control was a great decision but I started to get acne on my shoulders/back that made me really self-conscious) and dentist, so I don't have the funds right now. Budgets are a bitch when you don't make any money. Ugh, I suck at life.
story class - have a Living Social deal for this and need to schedule but haven't been able to find a good weekend yet...did I mention I went to a Moth event in Brooklyn? It was kinda meh. I think the idea is great and am glad that they are so popular, but I didn't feel like it was an effective means of giving feedback or learning about storytelling in a collaborative environment. Hopefully the class will be, since it is a smaller group and the point is to teach you how to develop a story. Just need to keep an eye on the schedule for something that isn't sold out and works. I'm excited about that, nothing sucks here.
Kirk - I need to write him an email. This is my muse from college, and since my friend and I are taking a side-trip to Austin while I'm in Nola, I want to ask him about it since he's been there. I've always wanted to check it out so I'm psyched about that, nothing sucks here.
balance, breathe, let go, love, true story, fake it til you break it - these are all things I want to draw and paint. I like to do this, nothing sucks here.
Well what do you know, this word vomit is starting to reverse the spiral already.
I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed by things and underwhelmed by myself, but that honestly helped. Thanks for listening, internets!
I think I'll go get out my watercolors now...
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