Had to skip ahead a few days to the present...I've been trying to catch up and retroactively post something for each day, but haven't been able to stay on top of it. Also feels like I'm watering things down when I'm reaching for those days, so onward with quality not quantity.
This is the first time in awhile that I've been legit depressed, it started earlier this week and got pretty heavy today. The only thing I've ever been diagnosed with is being human when it comes to feeling sad, but I haven't felt this way since before I left my job so it hit me pretty hard. I slept alot, then got mad at myself for sleeping instead of doing something productive, then rationalized that I was allowed to feel this way, then got angry again because I can't control it and I don't really have that much to be sad about...maybe this sounds familiar because you're human too. (or a freaky AI robot who can google "depression" and understand it).
Since the beginning of the year I have been riding a wave of excitement for What's Next, and trying hard to immerse myself in music, reading, writing, TED Talks about faith, "morning pages" assigned by a book a friend gave me called The Artist's Way...all in order to take this downtime to get to know myself and become a better person, so that when What's Next comes I meet it head on and make good decisions. To some this may sound like indulgent bulls**t, but I don't care. I've started to believe in at least this much - I have to like my decisions, but you don't.
Not that other people don't matter or I want to act reckless, I actually feel the contrary -- I just mean that for my own well being I have had to admit I can't control how every person feels or is motivated. This is something that's easier to type or scribble in a notebook, than
to live. Being someone that prefers immediate results (what do you mean
THERE'S NO APP FOR THAT!?), the gradual nature of gaining self knowledge can be frustrating. But I'm working on it.
The reality that I twist myself into knots trying to make everyone happy, then freak out and push certain individuals away when things get too complicated for fear of disappointing them (and myself) is one I'm trying to alter. May as well call it what it is: self therapy. I've been shrinking my own head ever since I fired my therapist because she didn't think my pet rabbit of 9 years dying was a serious life event. #truestory
So yeah, I'm working on that.
(I rule at digressing!)
The thing that sucks most about this particular bout of depression is that due to this year's Lenten social experiment, I can't drink the tallboy of Genny Cream Ale in my fridge or watch "Anchor Man" to combat the blues. Instead I've resorted to roasting a chicken and surfing Harlem Shake viral videos to climb out of today's low. This one is by far my favorite. I have started to feel better, and this weekend I'm working a couple of catering events so that should also help alleviate the funk. Being useful and spending time with people usually does, on the upswing anyway.
As for today, What's Next is Harlem Shaking my roasted bird into some jambalaya. How can I not be happy about that?
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